After being called into the office, when Brittany was asked to help me through the last week, I left training camp knowing my future was not stitched with blue and white. As you might have been able to tell from the cameo shoot, my heart had begun to face that being a DCC was not a likely possibility. At the last performance night before the photo shoot we were asked to perform a dance with two versions. We had learned the extended version the night before and were told, almost as a fleeting thought, something like, “We also do this to another song and change the order.” Well, of course, the next night, Kelli and Judy asked to see the version I had not even practiced (ironically choosing to rigorously rehearse the long version, thinking Kelli and Judy would surely ask to see it).
As you can tell, I am exactly an 8-count ahead of my group. When the routine called for the first glance to the right, I felt a dagger in my stomach. I felt like everything was in slow motion as I took a deep breath and told myself, “You have to keep going.” It was a tough internal battle, and my smile was almost painful. Realizing you have been completely off when seconds before you were confident and possibly enjoying performing for the first time all summer is, to say the least, discomforting. I reluctantly tried to block the reality out of my mind and focus. Rather than perform for the cameramen in front of me, I amateurishly directed my attention to Marie in hopes of remembering the 2nd version of the routine.
Kelli and Judy’s song choices during performance nights are something I resisted up until my last performance in front of them at Cowboys Stadium. Regardless of the songs I thought they would choose both in 2011 and 2006, Kelli and Judy seem to be devoted to their favorite handful. Unfortunately, I think whatever your least favorite dance is, that’s the one your group always gets, while you only get to perform your favorites for your reflection in the mirror. Every performance night, my group was given the most hip-hop of dances to a song I had never heard before camp. And sure enough, that was the last dance I will ever perform in my life.
Once the night had ended, I felt like it was surely my last. Being called into the office with Brittany was difficult. I had grown to adore her, and when she said before Kelli and Judy even asked her to help, “I want her on the team too,” I lost it. I am not sure I would have taken the second chance if Brittany had not been in the room. That week of camp, one of the veterans said that when she was going through her first year of training camp, a vet told her, “Remember, you love to do this!” And I looked down at the floor and thought, “do I love this?” I love to perform, and I would have loved to cheer on the Cowboys and be all that is a DCC. However, only someone truly a dancer by heart can dedicate that much time to DCC and have it fill their spirit. This would have been true even for me in 2006, but my ambitions had changed by the time I had the opportunity to try out again when I wasn't in school.
I auditioned again because I had wanted to be a DCC for as long as I can remember, but mostly because during my time at training camp in 2006, I saw what a family the cheerleaders are to each other. I longed to be a part of a beautiful group of women who got to experience all the things reserved for their special feet alone. From a distance, seeing the lifelong friendships I might have been a part of is one of the hardest things to overcome. That desire to be part of those friendships and the organization as a whole is what ultimately brought me back.
Waking up the day of the first field practice, I was both nervous and sad. Sitting in front of my mirror propped up against the wall, with my makeup spread out all around me, I felt like I was going into battle. I put on my makeup like it was the last time I would do so. I did not rush and finally had time to straighten my hair. It felt like the last time, and I soaked it in.
I packed my bag and slowly pulled myself into my car to face the giant. I stopped at the gas station and picked up a large water, two energy bars, skittles, a chicken sandwich, and a Dr. Pepper. Unfortunately, I only got one gulp of the Dr. Pepper and a mouth full of skittles down before I hit the field. I arrived at Cowboys Stadium three hours before the actual practice start time. This was to film Britt and me practicing. Before this moment, I would have defended the show as “reality.”
Even though the entire story for each TCC cannot be told, and there will always be gaps, I have to say the events you see for most of the show are real. Yes, some moments are “created” (the rolling out of the white board… both auditions that took at least 5 takes), but those moments did happen and reflect reality, just from a better angle. These “better angle moments” are a way to condense what we go through. However, I knew when Britt and I left the locker room after Kelli’s suggested "help" there would hardly be time on either side for extra practice. Fortunately, Brittany could come and help me with two of the ~18 dances we learned, but that was the extent of this last resort for my case.
I had agreed to come to this last “better angle moment” at the stadium for an opportunity to arrive earlier than everyone else for practice time. This, however, was a grave mistake. We shot Brittany’s whole-hearted attempt at bettering my dance abilities twice. By the time we got back into the locker room, I had just enough time to change, ask Becca to fluff my hair, and quickly (frantically) run the two dances I thought we would be asked to perform, simultaneously praying for "Thunder" to be heard over the speakers. This was the song/dance for the stadium entrance and the ultimate "cheer," old school dance, and, of course, my favorite (regrettably, we were not asked to perform it). What did I not have time to do… eat.
The first task we were dealt with on the field was the DCC introduction. From the outside, this may seem like a basic, relatively straightforward combination. However, it was the very thing I had dreaded most all summer. Like the second round of auditions, you are taught something foreign and unlike anything you have tried. This is never going to end well for me. The arm movements are big, and when you mess up, it is obvious. The arm movements have similarities (up circle, down circle, right circle, HIT, up circle, out circle, right Hit, left Hit), making the sequence easy to forget. So, instead I seem to have kept my arms tight and tense and just look like I have no idea what came next. That is exactly how I felt, too.
I expected to not pick up the intro, what I did not expected was doing it until I got it right (well, until Judy realized I was never going to get it right at least). This required five tries down the field and five runs back to the in-zone. Mixing that with no food did not have a good result on the next leg of the night’s activities. After the first dance, I felt like I was going to faint and quickly turned away from the stands after the music stopped. The second dance was worse; having to touch the ground more than once, I fell twice. Luckily, the wonderful crew gave me granola bars and helped me to the bench. After inhaling the two bars and sitting still, I felt much better. But, if I didn't know it already, I knew it then; I had just signed off on my release from camp.
I joined the veterans to do the kick line; I was close to the middle and next to two of my favorite vets. I closed my eyes, looked down at the star, and up into the empty stands and thought, “You got close.”
Landing in the jump split with DCC veterans on each side of me and giving it my all once more in the face of adversity, I gazed past my fingertips and was proud. It has been almost four months since that night, and while I am so happy with my life, I am conflicted about how hard it truly is to give up. There is honestly no room in my life for one more responsibility, yet the fact I have to walk away with the goal twice at my fingertips is difficult. My nature is to push and push until I reach whatever I am working for. However, I can honestly say, for the second time… God always knows best. And for whatever challenge or dream is next in line, I had better prepare because I have a vendetta out for rising above the circumstances and reaching a seemingly unattainable goal.
I love this picture, I am the only one walking through the moves as the vets show us how the kick line is supposed to look, and like always, I am sticking out from the crowd.
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